


The Open Door

by Salish



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff/Smut, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Redemption, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Redeemed Ben Solo, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-01 13:20:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14521434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salish/pseuds/Salish
Summary: Immediately after the battle on Crait, Both Rey and Ben solo struggle to reconcile themselves with their decisions. Neither one is willing to let their guard down again, but the force has other ideas. If they are to find their way back to one another, it will be a difficult journey.





	1. Aftermath

As much as it felt like her world had ended, there was no rest for Rey after the battle on Crait. 

The Millennium Falcon was full to bursting with people. The humanoids and other species packed in together washed around her like a stormy sea, laughing, weeping, hugging, and sharing nips from a precious flask or two. The adrenaline of surviving certain death was keeping everyone on their feet, filling the freighter with manic energy and movement. There were so many small tasks to be attended to- the med bay was meant for only one or two injured at a time, so an improvised extension had to be expanded outward into the hall. The environmental and atmospheric controls beeped and flashed pitifully under the strain of so many extra respiring passengers, and Rey had to squeeze between bodies to access the necessary control panel and make adjustments. She wished she could retreat into the comfortable position of copilot, next to Chewie, but she had taken one look at the grim huddle of high-ranking officers currently housed on the flight deck, and retreated. She certainly did not belong in that room any more.

Many years of solitude on Jakku had ill-prepared Rey for such a crush of people, and it didn’t take long for the scene to start wearing one her. After her dramatic display of force power and the heroic rescue on Crait, nobody was surprised that Rey seemed a little drained. That didn’t stop them from orbiting constantly around her in an excitable eddy. Their eyes were full of awe, and a little fear. Rey felt their gazes on her like physical touches, and it only added to her growing sense of claustrophobia. None of them knew- none of them could know- the full extent of what she had faced, and lost that day. 

Small flashes of memory dogged her, gnawing at her resolve even as she smiled into the faces of her friends. She saw Ben’s unreadable expression once more as she knelt before him… the bloody glow of the throne room. She felt again that fierce rush of joy, as she and Ben each fought to protect the other. She could see the hand that he had extended to her, and over and over again, that last word echoed in her mind-

“please…”

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes to try and banish those thoughts- to close the door on them, as she had closed the door on Ben himself. 

“Rey? You okay?” Fin had reappeared. 

After their first few moments of ecstatic reunion, Rey had felt she would never get enough of seeing her friend alive, and standing before her. She’d clung to his hand as though he might disappear again if she let go. The gladness in his eyes whenever he looked at her had given her strength, reminded her that today had contained victories, as well as heartbreak.

When the body of girl Rey didn’t know had been carried by, supported by two resistance medics, Finn’s hand had gone slack in hers. She’d watched him gaze after the girl, a storm of emotions passing over his open face. Even Finn had not come through that day unchanged.

“Is there somebody you need to see?” She’d asked gently, not wanting Finn to leave her side, but recognizing a pain not unlike her own in his face. He grimaced at her. 

“I can stay with you, if you need me”

She had tried for a smile. “I’ll still be here when you get back, Fin”. He had shot her a look of gratitude, squeezed her shoulder, and disappeared toward the med bay. 

Now he was back, and a little of Rey’s tension eased at the sight of him. She smiled weakly. 

“I’m holding up. Is your friend alright?”

“Yeah.” he let out a deep breath, and Rey could practically see a weight lifting from his shoulders, “They say she should be okay… Just wait till you meet her, Rey!” He was transforming back into the lighthearted Finn that she loved before her eyes. “Her name is Rose, and you’re going to think she’s great! I mean, she is great! Really, brave, and uh-“

Rey raised her eyebrows at him, and her own smile came easier. Finn looked both embarrassed and pleased with himself.

“Rose, huh?” She teased, forgetting everything for a blissful moment as Finn blushed, “Pretty name- I can’t wait to meet her!” She eased up on him, and said more seriously, “I’m glad for you, Finn. And I’ve always wanted a female friend. Good of you, to pick one for me.” She elbowed him in the ribs, and he batted her hand away, chuckling. The moment of reprieve was short-lived.

“Rey! There you are!” It was the commander- Poe Dameron. Rey gulped, and felt Finn gently nudge her, a silent return of her teasing. She shot him a quelling look, which he ignored. 

“Uhm. Yes?”

Poe looked between the two of them. “General Organa wants to talk to you. Finn, you might as well come, too.” 

As they approached the cockpit of the Falcon- currently serving as a very crowded command center- the manic energy of the ship settled into a more purposeful buzz of activity. Chewbacca moaned a greeting at her from the pilot’s seat, and she smiled at him. Her smile stiffened with anxiety as Leia Organa turned to greet her. 

“Rey”, Leia took her hand and squeezed it. “Thank you for coming.” The General’s eyes were kind, but there was grim resolve in the lines of her face, and her shoulders seemed set against a great sorrow. It began to dawn on Rey how much she was going to have to explain. They knew so little of what had happened, and she owed them so much…

Leia went on, “I cannot express my gratitude for what you did for us today. You and Luke-“ She paused, a flicker of pain crossing her proud features, “You both saved the Resistance from utter annihilation.” There were murmurs of assent form the other officers on the room. There was no possible response to that, so Rey remained silent.

Seemingly unable to remain quiet, Dameron broke in. “How did Luke know we needed him? And how did you to know where to find us? I’ve never heard of the force providing course coordinates before!” 

His exclamation was good natured, but it made Rey’s stomach drop, all the same. She looked at her clenched hands, her mind temporarily blank. She couldn't think how to answer, and she struggled to sort through the last several hours and make sense of how events might have appeared to the Resistance leaders. She needed to tell the truth to these people -her friends- but she didn’t know if she could bear to see the judgment in their faces if she did.

“I… General Organa, I’m afraid I left without Master Skywalker’s blessing.” She sidestepped Poe’s question, her heart beating uncomfortably fast. “I had.. visions. They lead me to believe that I could save… that I could change all of this.” She looked up beseechingly, “And then Luke- he sacrificed himself… It was my fault. I failed!” Her voice betrayed her, breaking.

Leia looked at her thoughtfully, and Rey was afraid she could see right into her mind- to the blank spot in her story that was Ben. But how could she admit to this woman that she had tried, and failed, to save her son- that she had almost turned, had betrayed the trust they all placed in her? Leia Organa had already lost her husband, and now her twin. Rey couldn’t bear to make things any worse than she already had. 

“So, you received a force vision and left your master before your training was complete, in order to save your friends?” there was a wry note to Leia’s voice. “If Luke didn’t see that coming, he has a very short memory. Do not blame yourself, child.” 

Rey glanced up into Leia’s face, confused. 

“But we needed him. I went to find him, to bring him back to you-“ Rey’s voice wobbled dangerously, and she wasn’t entirely sure which “him” she was talking about now.

Leia raised a hand, and Rey fell silent, her shoulders hunched. “Hush, dear.” The General’s voice was firmer now, but gentle. “You did not fail. Luke did come back to aid us, though not in the way we expected. My brother was strong of spirit, and he chose his own path. Your visions lead you true.”

“You did kinda save us all.” Finn was behind her, placing a bracing hand on her shoulder. There were nods and murmurs of gratitude from the assembled resistance. Rey tried to focus on that truth- that once piece of grace. Her friends were safe. She was with them. Fin shook her gently, and she tried to cheer up. “And those ROCKS!” he whooped, wigging his fingers as he mimed lifting something with the force, “You’re the real thing now, Rey!” 

Poe Dameron reappeared at Leia’s side, a tablet projecting maps of what appeared to be a small moon in his hands. 

“I hate to bring everybody down” he said, grimacing, “but I need your approval on these coordinates, General. It’s nice to be one jump away from danger, but you can bet that as soon as Kylo Ren crawls back to his master, they’ll be on our tail again.” There was a short, tense silence. 

“But Snoke is dead!” 

She heard her own voice speak the words without thought. 

If it hadn’t been such a grave matter, the reaction from the room would have been comical. Finn choked. Poe gaped and dropped his tablet, which continued projecting its holographs onto the wall and floor. For a millisecond, there was only the rumble and bleeping of the ship- Then chaos. Finn was hugging her, Poe was gabbling questions at her and Leia without waiting for answers, and too many voices were crying out in joy, surprise, and disbelief. Finally Chewbacca’s deafening voice brought the volume down to an excited murmur. General Organa was gazing at her, a strange expression on her face.

“Rey” Her voice was even, and still warm, but Rey was afraid to meet Leia’s eyes, “This is wonderful news for the resistance… but how do you know?”

“Isn’t it obvious?!” Fin broke in jubilantly, “SHE killed him! Rey defeated Snoke! Or wait- maybe Luke?” Leia raised that imperious hand once more, and Finn clapped his mouth shut. They were all looking at her now. Silently, Rey cursed herself. There was no turning back now. 

“When I left Master Skywalker,” She said carefully, “I did not go directly to Crait.” 

She felt hollow again, too exhausted to find a way to explain. Where would she even start? The throne room? The hut on Ahch-To? No, better to keep things simple.

“I allowed myself to be taken by the First Order.” That certainly struck the deck silent. “It was… part of my vision. When I escaped…” Rey took a breath, and lifted her chin, meeting Leia’s gaze “I left Supreme Leader Snoke Dead.”


	2. Aftermath, pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May the fourth be with you! Hope you enjoy the next little piece of my story. It's a bit of a moody moment for our boy Ben, but he'll get over it eventually. As ever, comments and constructive criticism are welcome!

For many hours, he had done nothing but react. First, regrouping on the surface of that hateful salt planet- there was much left to be won or lost, in his behavior alone. Kylo Ren reeled his rage and desperation back inside of himself, managing to give those first orders calmly, as though the escape of the Millennium Falcon was nothing to him. He could not afford raw emotion now, not after the display these officers had seen today. Lost ground must be recovered- especially with Hux- if he were to keep his grip on the Order.

Commander Hux had not openly questioned or contradicted him since discovering Snoke’s body in the ruined throne room of the Supremacy, but Kylo could feel his desire to do so. Dismay and fury simmered right under the surface of that simpering smile. He didn’t need to enter Hux’s thoughts to sense it. The man was a snake, and would require very careful handling- it was uncertain how much loyalty the reptile currently commanded with the troops. Kylo therefore kept his leadership restrained, but firm. No unorthodox orders- nothing that the commander could reasonably resist.

The process was actually soothing- slowly exerting his will over the chaos that been rising like floodwater throughout the Order. Cleanse the surface of the planet. Recover all possible assets from the crippled Supremacy, then destroy the remaining tech. Perform a thorough inventory of losses and remaining assets. Initiate hyperspace jumps to the system where a secondary Star destroyer waited.

Each order that had to be given pulled him back inside himself a little, stifled the tremor that had started in his hands as he held those kriffing dice…since he watched her close the door.

There was no time for that. They must consolidate, reorder, and rebuild.

 

The Star Destroyer Kylo chose as their new base was incomplete, but functional. It had been slated for its maiden voyage in two weeks, but only minor interior finishes remained unfinished. It would serve.

Upon Kylo’s arrival, there was only one task remaining before he could rest- a formal address to his forces. The hangar bay yawned cavernously over him as he surveyed the gathered First Order. They stood before him in perfect ranks as he prepared to speak. It was marvelous, how their numbers never seemed to shrink, how their masked faces never showed fear or pain, or doubt.

Order. Efficiency. Strength. This was what he had sacrificed so much for. He only had to claim it as his own.

Absurdly, Kylo didn’t know quite what to do with his hands. He resisted the urge to fidget by clasping them behind his back, and lifting his chin. Speeches, he had to admit, were really more Hux’s area of expertise. He regretted the loss of his own mask. It would have made this much easier.

“Today marked the passing of a Great Leader,” Kylo began, and was relieved when his voice came out strong and steady, “But the march of the First Order does not pause. Where one falls, another will step forward to take his place. The strength of our cause knows no death.”

He looked out over them, hungry for that calm the sight of their vast numbers always inspired in him.

“The New Republic is only a memory. The flame of the resistance is already ashes.”

_If he said it, it would be true._

“The rebel General Organa is dead. Their legendary Jedi Master has spent his strength on parlor tricks. There are no more leaders- no more Skywalkers. The First Order rises, and we will cleanse every trace of that tired story from this galaxy.”

He waited, motionless. After a pause that lasted a fraction of a second too long, Hux stepped forward in salute.

“Long live the Supreme Leader!”

The shout rippled outward, crashing back over Kylo in a wave echoes. He closed his eyes against the sound, drawing strength strength from it. He nodded slightly, and turned his back on the assembly. It would serve.

 

As he strode towards his new quarters, Kylo felt a return of the tremor in his hands. At the same moment, clipped footsteps rang out behind him. He clenched his fists against the sensation, and whirled, catching Armitage Hux by surprise just as he rounded a corner. Hux’s over-shined boots squeaked as he skidded to a stop to avoid a collision.

“General.” Ren spat.

“Supreme Leader” The title sounded sarcastic, but Kylo ignored it. “I had hoped for a private word…”

Kylo jerked his chin in assent, too drained and irritated now to speak.

“The continuing existence of resistance survivors is… disturbing to me.” Hux began, smoothing his face into a simpering mask. “They have so far been left to escape unharassed- a matter which I am sure you will not wish to neglect.”

The implication was clear, and unacceptable.

“Especially as a certain _girl_ is rumored to be among their number. _Surely_ , the murder of our beloved leader will not go unpunished. ”

 

“You overstep, General.” Kylo spoke through his teeth. “The miserable scraps of that rebellion are of no consequence to the Order. There are none left who matter. As for the girl…” Kylo turned his back on his general and began walking away as he continued, “A sand rat with a broken lightsaber. She is nothing. Chasing after her would be a waste of our energy. When the time comes, I will end her.”

General Hux had no choice but to let Kylo go, frustration rolling off the man in waves.

——————————————————————————————————————————

Thankfully, the force bond took him when he was alone.

In the stillness of his sterile new chambers, the tremor returned in full force. It crept up his arms and into his core, until he was trembling so violently he couldn’t stand, and had to slide down the wall into a heap. He hadn’t even been able to activate the lighting before it took him, so the room remained dark a s space, the only light from the holo-screen of his workstation.

All of the momentum that had carried him through the day was seeping away, replaced by a bone-deep exhaustion. As his body surrendered to shock, the discipline of his mind buckled. He was reeling with disjointed memories- His lightsaber passing through his former master like smoke. Regaining consciousness in the devastated throne room, only to find himself alone, Rey already fled.

_Rey_

Her face, so full of trust as she looked up at him. The electric current of her nearness. And over and over again, that moment of clarity when she had knelt before him and he had made the only possible choice- the choice that kept her alive and in his world. Where had it gone- that certainty?

He sat motionless for a long time, and his shaking gradually eased, but his racing thoughts did not. There was a terrible dissonance in his mind. How was it possible that she had come to him, and this was how it had ended? He had fought back to back with her. They had, for moment, cast aside the light and the dark!

And yet she was gone. He sat in the cool blue light of the blinking screen, clothes still caked in red salt and sweat. He let the images come. He would endure it.

Then the silence become solid, and she was there.

His breath escaped him in a rush. She way lying down, perhaps asleep. Her limbs were curled inward as though to protect herself, a blanket tangled around her. At the sound of his gasp, he saw her stiffen, tension racing through every line of her body. She knew he was there, but did not turn. He felt an immediate desire to reach out to her. He even started to move towards her, but found that his legs had fallen painfully asleep as he sat. The fiery prickle brought him back to himself, a little, and he found a little anger. It was enough to give him the courage to speak.

“I thought you’d be celebrating. Where are all of your precious friends?” Ugly words, meant to get a rise out of her. She didn't react. His frustration sparked.

Wouldn’t she even look at him?

The silence that followed was enough to have him crawling out of his skin. Gritting his teeth, he prepared to stand up despite the pins and needles in his legs. He would- would shake her. He would make her look at him, make her see him like she had before. But before he had so much as moved, she whirled. There was no magic. She glared right at him, and there was no recognition in her eyes.

“Please, just go away.” She hissed, and he heard his own exhaustion in her voice.

“I can’t.” He snapped.

_He wouldn’t._

Delicious anger roiled, burning away the terrible sorrow and fear that overwhelmed him. He heaved himself to his feet, took a step-

He could hear the hum of the ship’s engines again, as though his ears had popped in atmospheric pressure.

She was gone.

He crossed to where she had lain, just moments before. His rage was snuffed out like a candle, as though she had taken it with her. Without thinking, he pulled off a glove and touched the floor briefly, snatching his hand back at the cold bite of metal.


	3. Limbo

The moon that General Organa had chosen as their new base was star systems away from any planet that Rey had ever heard of. Munyo had been abandoned for many years, and its obscurity was its main virtue. Centuries before it was used as a rebel base, it had been home to its own civilization, but there were only traces left. The entire planet was mountainous, rusty peaks stretching impossibly high, with a labyrinthine city carved into their slopes. Inside and on top of the crumbling structures, Leia’s rebel alliance had built over 30 years ago. It had never been a major base- little more than a hideout on the edge of a civilized system. It wouldn’t sustain a large permanent population, but with their depleted numbers, it would do.

In the intervening years, much of the tech had been stripped to supply other, larger bases. They had virtually no functioning communication systems, which worried Poe and Leia to no end. The equipment left over from their previous occupancy was sparse and outdated. Only six spare X-wings. Precious little fuel.

With much trepidation, Rey and Chewie had been talked into grounding the _Falcon_ for use as a command center. The freighter’s communication system was the most powerful available, so they reluctantly cannibalized non-essential systems for use elsewhere on base. To Rey, it felt like a betrayal of Han’s memory, but the added boost to the base tech was apparently vital. Whether seeing the ship in that state affected Leia, She didn’t know. Both Chewie and Rey avoided the craft after that. It no longer felt like home.

In other ways, their moon had been generous. Above and below the red stone ruins, terraced fields clung to the mountainside. An ingenious system of aqueducts and springs supplied the base with fresh water. What the ancient people who built the city had lacked in technology, they had clearly made up for in engineering.

The plentiful water was not only plumbed into the structures; while out exploring the terrain, they had uncovered a network of irrigation pipes on the terraced hillsides that were, miraculously, still semi-functional. Several of the wild plants scrambling up the mountainsides were identified as edible- probably the genetic remnants of crops once cultivated there.

The rebels began trying to work the heavy clay soil, cultivating new crops where they could, and harvesting more from the wild hillsides. There was a grass with wickedly sharp edges which produced ears of starchy grain, thorny shrubs that bore sweet red fruit, and a tenacious vine that at first seemed a nuisance, but rewarded them with fat golden tubers growing just beneath the soil. To Rey, who had lived off of ration packs for the majority of her life, the bounty seemed incredible. She didn’t mind the back breaking work- the reward was food that actually tasted like something, and it helped keep her mind occupied.

Surprising all of them, Finn took to farming like a fish to water. Within three weeks of their landing, he was supervising the whole operation- organizing work shifts and taking copious notes on their agricultural successes and failures. When Rey teased him about his newfound passion, wondering aloud where horticulture had fit into his Storm Trooper training, Finn just laughed.

“I’ve spent my whole life in space” he shrugged, “I’m just trying this planet-side thing on for size.” He grinned, but there was an edge of bitterness to his words. Rey knew what it was like- not to recognize yourself anymore.

Leia began organizing a series of careful, quiet missions. No contact was to be made with potential allies for the present- only necessary supply runs, and a few rescue sweeps to systems where resistance agents had been stranded on previous assignments. It was all the resources they could afford to expend. As the rescue missions we completed, their numbers slowly swelled. Each new face sent a little charge of hope and energy through the survivors.

Poe, to the shock of everyone but Leia, remained grounded. Instead of of requesting a flight assignment, he took over daily operations of the base. With dogged determination, he tackled the thankless task of keeping them all alive, exhibiting a new steadiness and gravity that bemused his friends. Fin and Rose had taken to calling him Papa Poe. He made a great show of being irritated by the nickname, but they all knew better.

The four of them were perched on the roof of the base one evening, watching the sun set and the gas giant they orbited rise. The planet was pale blue, and took up most of the sky each night. It’s reflected light made the nights oddly bright- a luminous twilight that drowned out the stars. Rey was nibbling experimentally on a fragrant plant that was growing between the stone tiles of the roof. Poe sat beside her. Rose and Finn sat close to each other, their knees just touching.

It was peaceful on Munyo. Rey hadn’t felt a whisper through the force bond for over a month.

“Sometimes I wish we could just… stay. Live.” Rose’s voice broke the silence. “If only it was time to stop fighting.” She was gazing not at the sky, but out over the terraced slopes. The hillsides looked dusky purple this time of night, and the cooling earth smelled good.

“You might just get your wish, if we don’t find a way to replenish the fleet” Poe was craning his neck upwards, squinting at a star that was barely visible in the pale sky. Rey could practically feel the frustrated energy that he struggled to keep in check. “I don’t see how we’ll have the resources to become a real rebellion again, at least not any time soon.”

It was Finn who said sadly, “Then we’ll die.” Rey glanced at him uneasily, and he looked grimly back at her. “I know what you mean- this place is…peaceful. But if you think Kylo Ren has forgotten us for a moment, you’re dreaming.” he reached out and took Rose’s hand, interlacing their fingers.

Rey’s tongue began to tingle, and she stopped chewing on the herb. There was something happening- a whisper of His presence. Not a full vision, just a sensation… like her ears popping when she came into atmo too fast. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up.

“I’m heading in” She said, rising and dusting off her pants, “I’ve just got time for a bath before lights-out.” Poe grinned up at her.

“The novelty hasn’t worn off yet?”

“Of bathing in all that water?” Rey rolled her eyes expressively “Never!”

The sensation lasted as she padded quietly down the stone halls of the base, thrumming in her head. She entered her small stone room and shut the door, leaning against it as she closed her eyes and concentrated. With a effort of will, she tried not to panic, and to close herself off from the feeling. It worked- sort of. All of her senses seemed to dim, and the pressure lessened, but did not disappear entirely.

Shaking her head as though to dislodge the sensation, Rey gathered her bathing things- a rough, military-issue towel, a precious cake of soap, and a sleeping shift that Rose had insisted on giving to her, when she discovered Rey owned only one set of clothes.

The communal bathing pool was just down the passage. While Rey was enchanted by the novelty of so much clean water available indoors, she usually avoided the pool during the day, when it was always crowded with resistance members. The rough-and-tumble military group seemed completely unfazed by the lack of privacy, but Rey had yet to come around to their casual habits. Everyone was so… naked, and loud. She much preferred to slip into the pool after everyone else had retired for the night, luxuriating in both the water and the time to think.

She hadn’t been doing an awful lot of thinking, lately. Her days were full enough to successfully avoid it. Between assisting Chewbacca in keeping their motley fleet in the air, helping to bully the out-of date support systems to function, doing her part of the crop work and general base upkeep, and daily combat training with Finn and Poe, Rey had successfully pushed aside her darker thoughts for weeks. In the bathing pool, however, she was able to piece her muddled thoughts together.

The cavernous room was semi-dark, and occasional drips from the far-off ceiling were the only sounds other than her breath. They didn’t have fuel to spare for heating this much water, but it wasn’t particularly cold. She slipped out of her clothes and into the water.

While the force bond nudged at the edges of her mind, she didn’t dare allow Kylo to come to the front of her thoughts. She felt, superstitiously, that her fury and guilt might summon him into the room. Instead, she Considered her own path, and that of her friends.

Poe was right about the Resistance. A knot formed in Rey’s stomach as she combed her hair with her fingers. There was no real future for them here; The Resistance would either fizzle out slowly, or be discovered by the First Order and wiped off this moon with ease. They were in limbo, powerless to address the rising First Order, or even to spread their message to new ears. They couldn’t hide forever.

Rey thought of the broken lightsaber currently stashed under her bedroll. She could take a guess at how to repair handle of the weapon, but not the shattered crystal within. It was always in the back of her mind, like a sore tooth she couldn’t stop worrying with her tongue. She had pored over the Jedi texts from Ahch-To, but most of the volumes were incomprehensible to her. Nearly every night, she would lay the pieces out and stare at them, willing herself to intuit something helpful.

The Resistance needed hope. They needed a symbol as powerful as Kylo Ren. Who they had really needed, Rey though bleakly, was Luke Skywalker. But maybe, just maybe, she could still become that symbol for her friends. But not without that lightsaber. After all, what sort of Jedi could she be without one?

She had washed her body and hair three full times before she felt the tug of the force bond release its grip, and she gave up her worrying in favor of bed.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

Kylo Ren leaned back at his command station aboard the newly christened _Adamant_ , flipping through reports on the holo-screen before him. He had refashioned the outward observation deck of the Star Destroyer to serve as his receiving room, rejecting the cavernous chambers that had once been intended for Snoke. He felt a newfound distaste for the imperious trappings he was expected take up as Supreme Leader, and had opted instead for the brutally minimalist environment he now sat in. His modest throne, if it could be called such, sat alone at the end of a long walkway, facing away from the entrance. It was not the seat itself, but the vast observation panel behind him that struck awe into his visitors- Kylo sat silhouetted against the great void of space. It was effective, economical… and it gave his something to look at, other than Hux’s idiot face.

The reports ought to have pleased him more than they did. General Hux had just delivered them in person, smiling insufferably. Kylo, newly rebuilt mask back in place to hide his expression, had stared him down until the smirk faded. Hux had given him the barest acceptable salute, and left. His clipped footfalls communicating a world of frustration and dislike.

Kylo’s orders to rebuild and redouble their forces had been met with alacrity by his officers. New squadrons, new fleets- even three unthinkably expensive new Star destroyers had been commissioned by the First Order, and were under construction. It was a necessary show of force, but much more important were the new ambassadors sent to several critical trade systems. Power was slippery, and if he was to keep a firm grip on his position, the economic importance of the order must now grow to meet its military might. Before its association with Snoke, the First Order had been formed as a response to the instability of the New Republic. It was vital that Kylo begin to steer the Order back in that direction. It would strengthen the cause, and, he hoped, begin to undermine the importance of certain snakelike commanding officers.

Lips tight, Kylo flipped back over one report in particular. _No life signs detected on any resistance base previously identified by The Order. No transmissions to suspected sympathizers intercepted. Bounties for any resistance member posted at all major trading planets. Squadron nine leader awaits further orders_. He drummed his fingers on the bridge of his helmet, unsettled.

 _Where was she_?

There had been one night, a week before, when he had felt Her. It had only lasted a moment- no vision, just the pressure in his mind. He had tried reaching out, and been met by silence. Bitter disappointment, as well as a strange taste of mint, had lingered for hours afterward.

 

He let his head fall back with a clunk. What would he even say to her, if she appeared? It was unlikely that he would be able to guess anything about her location, and he was fairly certain she wouldn’t be interested in speaking to him. It was too late for that- pointless to speculate.

  
He closed his eyes, suddenly desperate for a few minutes of rest. It was rare, now, that he could sleep without the torment of nightmares. Even during his waking hours, it was a constant effort of will not to dwell on certain memories. Every time he drifted off, he found himself on that bridge, felt his father’s life force slipping away. In his nightmares, the sadness on Han’s face spread over him like a great clawed thing, and he would fall to his knees, screaming and clutching his father’s body to him. Sometimes Han would rise up from the dead to strike him down. Other times it was Rey, her face contorted with hatred as she wielded his own lightsaber against him. Many of the dreams were about Rey- Rey being tortured by Snoke, Rey gazing at him with disappointed heartbreak in her eyes. Was it the Light, that sent him these dreams, to torment him? To tempt him?

“I see you’re back in costume”

Kylo sat up so fast the muscles in his neck wrenched painfully, adrenaline coursing through him. She was there, her figure small and bright against the backdrop of stars. She was looking at him strangely- a mix of fear and disgust on her delicate features. She gestured to his face.

“Rey.”

Her name sounded wrong, modulated by his helmet’s speaking apparatus. He scrambled to remove it, bashing his lower lip against his teeth in the process. He tried to recover his composure, but thought he saw her lips quirk just a little.

“Better.” she said shortly, and returned to what she was doing. Which was… digging?

He gazed at her, too surprised to do more than drink in the details of her appearance. She wore clothing similar to what he had last seen her in- a grey sleeveless tunic, slim brown pants, and worn boots- but her arm wrappings were missing, and she was liberally smeared in reddish dirt. There was a smudge of it on her cheek. She had a rough sack slung across her body, and a crude spade in her hands. She was scrupulously ignoring him now, hacking away at the ground with her shovel. The incongruity of this, in his glossy black surroundings, was so incomprehensible he almost laughed. it was an unfamiliar feeling. Perhaps sensing this, she shot him a sour look.

“It’s rude to stare, you know.”

He opened his mouth to retort, then shut it again. He supposed he _had_ been staring. A drop of sweat slid down her neck, and he looked pointedly away.

He took up his holo-pad once more. “Don’t let me distract you.” He sounded insufferable, even to himself, but couldn’t help goading her. “I’m actually very busy.”

Her irritation was palpable.

After a moment, he heard her return to attacking whatever ground she stood on. They endured the tense silence for as long as possible, each convinced that the force bond would release them in the next moment. The force appeared to have have other ideas. Minutes ticked by.

Kylo looked at the text before him, but didn’t register a word. He snuck occasional glances at Rey, who labored stubbornly on, the light of some alien sun glinting in her hair. She stooped to gather something he couldn't see into her hands, slipping whatever it was into her satchel. His curiosity eventually got the better of him.

“What are you doing, anyway?” he asked, abandoning pretense. “Digging ditches seems like a strange job for the Resistance’s pet Jedi”

She stiffened at that, buried the blade of her shovel in the ground, and turned to him.

“I’m working,” she said evenly, “So that we can _eat_. Some of us have better things to do than-“ she waved her hand at him angrily, “dress up, and wave a lightsaber around.”

Something in her voice was off, as she said it.

Kylo couldn’t resist reaching out with the force, brushing her mind lightly with his. He didn’t expect her to let him in, but an image slipped through her defenses: _The lightsaber_.

“How badly is it broken?”

Rey’s shoulders slumped.

“Badly.”

They both felt the shift in the force at the same time, and their eyes met. Just for a moment, he saw no anger there. Then she was gone.


	4. a Gathering Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How about some nice, sexually charged angst? What's a Thursday without Reylo angst, after all? Hope you enjoy.

Rey's ability to ignore her anxieties evaporated seemingly over night. After Kylo Ren appeared to her for the first time since Crait in broad daylight, the feeling of peaceful unreality that Munyo had offered was shattered.

 

She fretted constantly over Luke’s broken lightsaber. She had taken it apart and memorized every component by then, and she mentally laid out the pieces and put them back together over and over again as she went about her other work. On a mechanical level, she felt moderately sure of herself- there was nothing terribly mysterious about the handle itself. The magnetic stabilizer had, unsurprisingly, been immolated by the blast. Rey knew enough to feel reasonably confident about improvising a new one. The power cell, however, made her uneasy. It appeared intact, but how much energy had it absorbed as the crystal cracked? Overcharged, using it might be incredibly dangerous. 

 

Rey was running over the several hundred ways in which her repairs could go wrong as she sat in the mess hall, pushing her food around her plate. The golden roast tubers and spicy greens would normally consume her attention entirely, but not today. She speared a wedge of starchy vegetable and stared at it unseeing. Kylo Ren’s lightsaber had seemed unstable. Whether from an overpowered cell, or a damaged crystal, that crackling energy was certainly unlike the steady blue beam of her own weapon. How had he safely constructed it? She scowled at her fork, imagining asking Kylo Ren for his help building her lightsaber. Ridiculous. “Hey! This seat taken?”

 

It was Poe, plate in hand. Her dark line of thinking broke off immediately, and she smiled up at him.

 

“Is it ever?”

 

Commander Dameron had started to make a habit of eating lunch with her a couple of weeks before- ostensibly because their shift breaks matched up, and there was reliably a ring of empty seats surrounding Rey when she ate. She hadn’t intended to become so standoffish, but she had been a little relieved when the Resistance fighters left her alone at first. When their awe of her continued, she hadn’t known how to go about making friends with them.

 

She often spent her free hours with Finn and Rose, but lately she found herself leaving them to enjoy each other’s company more and more. despite feeling genuinely happy for her friend, the growing bond between Finn and the sweet-tempered resistance girl made Rey feel oddly lonely. She enjoyed her time sparring with Finn the most- it felt uncomplicated and familiar. When Rose was around, Rey was grateful for the added presence of Poe, whose sharp humor and easy friendship made her feel less like an outsider. As she got to know the commander, they had become friends in their own right; these days they spent more time with each other than anyone else.

 

Poe slid into the seat across from her, set down his plate, and wiped both hands over his face for a moment. Shaking his head as though to clear it, he smiled at her. He was clearly exhausted, despite the roguish grin.

 

“Well, commander” she said gravely, “have you single-handedly saved us all today, or are you giving yourself until dinnertime?”

 

Poe had begun shoveling roast tubers into his mouth in a businesslike fashion, but he paused to wink at her.

 

“Salty! You’re lucky you’re the only Jedi savior we have on hand, or I’d have you demoted for that”

 

“Demote me? I don’t even have a rank!” She snorted, and began to eat her own meal at last. “Lucky for _you,_ I finished _my_ bit of the savior-ing before breakfast. You’re welcome.”

 

He chuckled, and they attacked their lunch in companionable silence.

 

This was what they had in common- the stress of their positions, and the overwhelming isolation of responsibility. When Poe had first begun eating with Rey, she’d been sure it was out of pity- or worse, because Finn or Leia had suggested she needed the company. The mortification of either prospect quickly faded, however, as they found mutual comfort in each other’s company.

 

While there was little overlap in their daily lives within the Resistance, there was unspoken understanding between them. Poe was being asked to grow into a leadership role that was demanding and humbling all at once, and his high spirits fought him every step of the way. Rey felt totally adrift in her new role of Jedi mascot- fluctuating between imposter syndrome, guilt at all she had failed to accomplish, and dread of what might be asked of her in the future. They didn’t talk about these things much, but both felt an ease in each other’s company that they sorely needed.

 

Finn had immediately begun teasing Rey about her closeness with Poe, and the implication made her uncomfortable. It wasn’t as if the idea hadn’t occurred to her… Poe had certainly been seeking her out more than anyone else lately, and well… he was _awfully_ handsome. Rey often found herself blushing furiously at his offhanded flirtation, and occasionally thought she glimpsed genuine interest on his side.

 

She wasn’t sure why her stomach seemed to fill with lead whenever she thought about it. Perhaps that was what attraction always felt like? She certainly liked his curling hair very much, and his dark eyes were kind and fiery…

 

She considered those features as he ate his lunch, feeling her own appetite abandoning her again. The problem wasn’t _him_. If she was honest, what got in the way was who he reminded her of.

 

Dark hair, dark eyes- but such a different expression… Kylo’s face clung like a ghost in her mind, coloring everything she looked at. Whenever she tried to imagine what it would be like- to have with Poe what Finn had found with Rose, She failed. Inevitably, her thoughts were drawn back to a fireside on Ahch-To, reaching out for someone who was no longer there. She truly loathed herself, in those moments.

 

Besides, she thought morosely, if Poe found knew that she had concealed from the Resistance, she was certain her wouldn’t be flirting with her. It wasn’t in his nature to understand something like that. He burned bright with the conviction of his beliefs- even as he grew wiser and steadier under Leia’s mentorship, he still saw the world in black and white. It was the one thing they could never have in common. If Rey were to come clean about the force bond that still haunted her… at best, he would see it as an infection of her mind. At worst, an unforgivable betrayal. It was best that they remain friends, and nothing more.

 

After the last force vision she had shared with Kylo, she desperately wished that coming clean _was_ an option. Confiding in Poe or Finn was unthinkable- they both knew Kylo only as the monster responsible for so much death. She often wondered if Leia would understand. The General was force-sensitive, and Kylo had been her only son… but he had killed Han, and Rey had already tried and failed to turn him away from his dark path. She couldn’t bear to share that disappointment with the mother who had already lost him once- not even if it meant easing her own mind.

 

How would she bear it, though, if the force connection continued? Quite apart from the emotional strain it placed on her, there was the danger of letting something slip that might endanger her friends. They had even _touched_ once, so what was to stop him from physically attacking her the next time their bond pushed them together?

 

A small, dark piece of her mind insisted that he would never hurt her, but she pushed it aside. It was the same useless part of her that had been concerned by how haggard and sad Kylo had looked the last time she saw him. That voice had not served her well. She could never let her guard down again. Not ever.

 

Evidently her dark thoughts were showing on her face, because Poe’s had was suddenly there, covering her own. She looked up at him, and felt simultaneously guilty and comforted by the kind look in his eyes.

 

“Rey, it’s alright not to have all the answers yet.”

 

She sighed and nodded, slipping her hand out of his grasp.

 

“I’d settle for some direction.”

 

Poe huffed a laugh, and scrubbed his eyes with his fists.

 

“That makes two of us.”

 

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

Rey was alone in Munyo Base’s small hangar bay. Halfway up the mountainside, the open-air chamber looked out over the dramatic landscape of the valley. The red mountains faded to purple at the horizon line, and a few large native raptors circled high above.Golden light was streaming in as sunset approached, and the other mechanics had already begun the long walk down towards dinner. During the day, it was always bustling with activity, as both pilots and mechanics fussed over the few ships they had left. Rey felt more at home in the hangar than in most places on base, and she often found excuses to work late.

 

She had spent the afternoon painstakingly taking apart and restoring a faulty acceleration compensator, and the pieces were laid carefully out on a canvas cloth in front of her, ready for reassembly. She found the work soothing, almost meditative. She was so immersed in her work that she felt no warning before hearing the buzz and crackle of a lightsaber being activated behind her.

 

Rey leapt to her feet, too full of adrenaline even to scream. She whirled, hand reaching for the staff that was currently, she realized with dread, a quarter mile away in her bunk. She snatched up a wrench and dropped into a defensive stance, heart in her throat.

 

Kylo Ren stood before her, a towering dark shape against the setting sun. His saber was raised before him, and Rey knew there was nothing she could do to defend herself against it, when he struck.

 

But he didn’t.

 

Kylo swung the saber away from her, up in an arc as though to meet an oncoming blade, then spun, the scarlet blade blurring in a powerful figure eight. Who was he fighting? Was Rey, rather than being attacked herself, witnessing some sort of assassination attempt? Perversely, this prospect made her feel _more_ panicked, not less. She couldn’t see his attacker, but then she never saw his surroundings. Should she try to help? If she called out to him, it might distract him at a fatal moment.

 

Gradually, as reason returned to her, Rey absorbed more of the details of what she was seeing. Kylo was barefoot, gloveless, dressed in loose pants and a thin undershirt. Unless he was being attacked in his personal chambers, it seemed an unlikely outfit for battle. As he turned towards her again, she got a proper look at his face, and her consternation evaporated. His expression was calm, and his eyes were closed in concentration.

 

_Training._

 

Rey’s muscles slowly unclenched, until the wrench hung loosely in her hand and she simply watched. What she was witnessing was totally unlike the brutal efficiency Kylo employed in battle. He moved so swiftly she cold barely follow the line of his lightsaber, but each complex motion was as smooth as glass.

 

As she watched Kylo’s long limbs twist and whirl, she started to see that each series of movements told a sort of story. For a handful of moments, Kylo seemed to battle a single opponent that Rey couldn’t see. Then, with an almost imperceptible shift, it was as though there were three, and he was dividing his attention between them as they attacked and defended. She felt sure there were no real attackers now, but Rey could imagine them so clearly it was as though she see them. She found herself entranced by this deadly storytelling. Without really deciding to, she opened her mind fully to the force, curiosity beating caution.

 

Rey could feel Kylo’s mind, tethered to hers by that invisible string. She carefully tried slipping through his defenses, and found them insubstantial. His mind was… quiet. Not walled-off and silent, but free of conscious thoughts. The force thrummed through him, quite palpable to Rey from where she stood. The hum of it was clean and soothing- neither light nor dark energy dominant. It was as though he meditated as he fought.

 

There was a feeling building in Rey as she watched, and she realized with dismay that it was longing. She craved that calm, that power. Experiencing it now, through their connection… It was what she had thought it would feel like to become a jedi. This sort of peace had felt far away from her for a long time now. She wasn’t sure how long she watched, but when Kylo finally stilled and powered off his saber, the sun’s dying light was slipping below the hangar door. The calming spell of the force gradually dispersed.

 

Kylo stood, head tilted back as he caught his breath. His pale skin was flushed, gleaming with sweat, and his powerful chest heaved with exertion. Rey now found his body just as interesting as his training exercises had been. There were small scars she had never noticed on his wrists and arms. She could see his pulse beating at the base of his throat. Alarmingly, Rey felt her yearning sharpen, shifting into to something strange and hungry. Her skin was tinging uncomfortably, and an insane urge to reach out and touch him washed over her. She hastily took a step backwards, nearly tripping over the partially reassembled acceleration compensator.

 

Kylo opened his eyes, looking right at her without a hint of surprise. Gaping back, Rey found herself unable to speak- or swallow properly.

 

“It’s rude to stare, you know”.

 

The deadpan delivery took a moment to sink in, then a betraying blush spread over Rey’s face. She scowled at him, and crossed her arms across her chest.

 

“It seemed like a bad time to chat. You could’ve taken an eye out.”

 

His mouth quirked, just a little. On someone else it might have been a smile. The expression caused her stomach to flutter.

 

“You’re wasted on galactic domination.” she said acidly, beginning to tidy her abandoned workspace, “Your true calling was obviously dance.”

 

_That_ wiped the amusement off his face.

 

“I could feel you, you know.” he said, returning her scowl as he tapped his temple, “Sneaking around in here. Were you looking for something specific- or just _scavenging_?”

 

Well. She had certainly succeeded in changing the mood.

 

Her rising anger was a relief, burning away the troubling feelings of moments before.

“Maybe I wanted to see which of your masters taught you all that-” she jerked her chin at his lightsaber, “the jedi, or the sith?”

 

“That’s immaterial.” His expression was darkening rapidly- a brewing storm. “You’re still chasing the answers to _useless_ questions!” He had taken several steps closer to her as they spoke, and he now towered over her, even in his bare feet. Rey balled her hands into fists, not giving an inch of ground. “It shouldn’t matter- It _wouldn’t_ have mattered! If you hadn’t been so stubborn,” He growled, “I would have given you anything- taught you everything I know!”

 

Stubborn. _Stubborn?_

 

It was lucky that one word infuriated her so much, or Rey might have been rather stricken by the rest.

 

“Don’t you _dare_ speak to me about how things _should_ have gone!” Rey snarled through bared teeth. “You said I wouldn’t be alone. You claimed to know me, and then asked me to let _every one_ of my friends die. Everyone I have _ever_ cared for!”

 

She saw him flinch at that, but it only goaded her on. She wanted to hurt him- to return some of the pain she had felt these last few weeks. She spoke recklessly, knowing instinctively where to strike. “You can tell yourself whatever story you want about letting the past go- about how _I_ let _you_ down- but it will always be a lie! You didn’t come back with me because you were too _afraid_ to try. _”_

 

Kylo’s lips were white, and he had gone very still. Rey was caught up in the current of her own anger, and didn’t even pause to register his reaction. She wasn’t done with him yet.

 

“It’s true that you could have taught me things.” she shrugged as though it was nothing. “Maybe you would have made me more powerful than I will ever be, now. For all I know, you could snap your fingers and mend my lightsaber-“ She raised her chin defiantly, “But you would also teach me that fear. So you can keep your lessons, because I’m sick of being afraid.”

 

Rey left him there, not caring whether the force vision had ended- he could find his own kriffing way out. Her hands shook and her heart beat fast as she started down the stairs to the base. She was done hesitating. She would become the jedi she was meant to be, without any master to guide her. None of them would stand a chance against him, if she failed.


	5. A Thread in the Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, after a major slow down, I'm back at work on this little story.... It's a short one, but there's more to come soon! I'd love to hear what you guys think, and I hope you enjoy! I hit a bit of a wall with my writing, but I'm so excited to be back with these characters!

“Supreme Leader?”

 

The staffer’s cautious voice snapped Kylo Ren back to his immediate surroundings, and he tried not to appear obviously startled. He had been brooding over his last encounter with the jedi girl yet again, and had not been paying attention for several minutes. It was an inconvenient time to get lost in one’s thoughts- in the middle of a council meeting, during a report that would no doubt require his deliberation. Seventeen First Order councillors sat around him, in addition to his General, and the somewhat embarrassed staffer. Every face at the long conference table was now turned in his direction, expressions politely expectant.

 

_Kriff._ That last sentence had evidently been a question.

 

“If I may _rephrase_ the matter for you _,”_ Hux cut in smoothly, smirking at Kylo in a way that might once have gotten him killed, “The Ambassador from Corellia reports a disturbing unwillingness to bow to First Order rule in the planetary government.” The glee at being given an opportunity to talk down to Kylo had Hux practically bouncing on the toes of his over-shined boots. “Ambassador Krim has _humbly_ suggested that a display of military might may go far in encouraging local cooperation. I must say I agree that-“

 

Kylo held up a hand, silencing Hux as effectively as if he had used the force to do so. It had been unforgivable to let his mind wander at a time like this- His full attention was now on the staffer from the Corellian embassy. Kylo could feel the young humanoid’s terror, but the man clasped his trembling hands before him and tried to appear calm.

 

“So.” Kylo kept his voice light, almost casual. “Ambassador Krim sees fit to request military action for what has clearly been categorized as a diplomatic mission.” From his peripheral vision, Kylo saw Hux’s face darken. “And yet… the Ambassador does not feel it necessary to join us in person or via holo to make this request.” Kylo looked steadily at each of his councillors, brushing against their minds with invisible fingers, and noting the ones whose hatred for him burned brightest. “I think it is possible,” He continued, ignoring the resulting small shudders and gasps around the table, “That Krim misunderstands how seriously this council takes its diplomatic relationship with Corellia… how seriously the First Order takes _all_ relationships built on _cooperation_ under the law.” He paused, allowing the implications to sink in. 

 

Flicking a switch that projected several documents from his personal data-pad to the holo-screen that dominated the council chamber, Kylo continued. “It’s also possible that Ambassador Krim seeks our military assistance not to further the First Order’s galactic outreach, but to clean up his own mess on Corellia.”As incriminating reports were projected one after the other, Kylo stood, bracing his hands on the smooth black surface of the table, and glared around the room. The evidence of Krim’s corruption and many abuses of power cast a ghoulish blue light over them all. “I am _certain_ that no member of this council was aware of the Ambassador’s crimes before now, or the matter would have been brought to my attention. We do not tolerate such _weakness_ in this government.”

 

Kylo straightened, and smiled cooly at General Hux. “General, I trust you will attend immediately to the arrest of the former Ambassador. Councillors…” He gave them one last level stare. “When next we meet, we will address the election of a new Ambassador to Corellia. I expect a list of _quality_ candidates. _”_

 

He swept from the council chamber, satisfaction and disquiet warring for dominance inside him. It wasn’t wise to provoke his council like this… but Kriff it. If he was stuck in this impossible position, he would do what he could to set things right. Now that Snoke’s hold on him had loosened, it was impossible to ignore the hypocrisy of the system he now commanded. He had once offered to burn it all down and start over. Now he could only hope to moderate it without getting himself killed.

 

It had been a late meeting, and daytime workers had already retired to their common areas or private bunks as Kylo left the council chambers.The sleek, dark corridors of _The Adamant_ stretched out before him like an empty labyrinth, and he paced them aimlessly, allowing his thoughts to wander once more. The mantle of Supreme Leader felt heavier every day, wearing him down just as surely as his recurrent nightmares. That exhaustion and frustration had overflowed when last he saw Rey, spilling out of him in bitter words. It had been too much to bear, seeing her as angry and alone as himself, when he had once glimpsed a future so different. He clenched and unclenched his gloved hands, replaying her words for the hundredth time.

 

_Everyone I have ever cared for…too afraid to try…_

 

Each phrase still hit like a blaster bolt to the chest.

 

He remembered the fury in her gaze- the brutal way she had spoken, as though her words were indeed weapons capable of drawing blood. Every one of them had struck true, leaving him, blind with rage, to reduce his training chamber to molten scrap. The anger had passed swiftly, but the pain had not. Not just his own- though that would have been enough- but Rey’s as well. The force bond had stood wide open between them in those moments, and beneath the waves of her rage he had felt other things. Sorrow, loneliness, and doubt. Even a whisper of regret.

 

Regret. That haunted him more cruelly than anything else.

 

Kylo stopped before his own chamber door, his feet having carried him there without conscious thought. He keyed in his personal passcode, and ducked inside with a little sigh of relief. Off came his heavy cloak, and then each glove. He slumped unto the bed and began tugging off his boots, mind still running over each word they had said to one another. There was something that nagged at him, a vague unease that seemed unrelated to either his worries about The Order or his bitter feelings towards Rey.

He lay back and stared at the ceiling, trying to let his thoughts settle. The hilt of his lightsaber dug into his back, and he shifted to unclip it from his belt. The moment his fingers touched the weapon, he knew what was bothering him. 

 

_“How badly is it broken?”_

 

_“Badly.”…_

 

He gazed at the hilt in is hand, seeing the kyber crystal inside in his mind’s eye. Once steady and blue, the process of bleeding the crystal had permanently damaged it. He grimaced, remembering how he had struggled to bend the crystal to his will. It had fought him every inch of the way, for all the world like it was another force wielder under attack. His mind had almost buckled under the strain… but in the end, it had been the crystal that gave out. It was cracked now- just the merest hairline fracture, invisible to the eye, but enough to make the saber unstable and difficult to wield. Reassembling the weapon into something functional had taken all the strength of will he’d had. Much as he hated to admit it, Kylo wasn’t sure he would have succeeded at all without Snoke’s guidance. Even now, if he reached out to it with the force, the cracked crystal had an almost nauseating effect. The focusing effect of the crystal was warped, and the force channeled through it was volatile.

 

Judging by the shockwave that had knocked him unconscious in Snoke’s throne room, the crystal in Rey’s saber might very well have broken in half. If she were to try and use it in its current state- or worse, attempt to fix it…

 

Kylo sat up, dragging his hands through his hair. He knew what he _ought_ to think: if the jedi girl got herself killed trying to repair her weapon, so much the better. If he was lucky, she might even blow up a portion of the resistance base in the process! He tried for a moment to feel satisfaction at the prospect, and failed. It was no use lying to himself. He did not want her dead- Far from it. The idea of Rey in danger was like a hand around his throat.

 

But how could he possibly protect her from this? He couldn’t contact Rey outside of their unpredictable force bond, and she had made it abundantly clear that she did not want his help. Still, he felt he had to try something. There had been such such a steely determination in her eyes, as she turned to leave him. He didn’t think he was wrong about where she would turn that energy.

 

Settling into a crosslegged pose, Kylo tried reaching for the bond. It was like a bright thread, stretching out from his center towards her. He followed it, casting his consciousness out as far as he dared, and found a whisper of her presence. It wasn’t like the force visions- she did not appear in the room with him. Rather, it felt like she was in a different room of a large house. He could sense her presence, could almost catch a glimpse of her thoughts… but not quite. She was on the other side of a wall. Kylo had the distinct feeling that if he made his presence known, she could block him out even further, so he lingered there- not quite with her, and not quite in his own skin. At least he could be sure she was there, on the other side of that thread of light. it comforted him, slowly sapping the tension from his body until his head was nodding. He didn’t let the thread go as he slumped back onto the pillow, holding it as close as he dared, even as sleep slid over him.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Folks! I hope you enjoy the first installment of my story! Please feel free to leave questions or constructive feedback- This is the first thing I've written in a very long time, so I'm curious about your impressions! This is honestly just pre-episode 9 therapy for me... gotta get all that wishful thinking out of my system before cannon inevitably breaks my heart! ;-)


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